All right, so we covered the role of the husband. So in all fairness, we need to spend a little bit of time talking about the ladies and to the ladies.
And so as we had a cool
alliteration for the guys we have down for the girls as well.
So the roles that there are to submit
the support.
suspect, no, we better do respect.
So those are the things for the ladies.
So.
Back to Ephesians 5.
And probably a passage that many of you have memorized but
We're told that the wives are to be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord.
The husband is the head of the wife as Chris is also the head of the church. He himself being the savior of the body.
But as the church is subject to Christ, so also
the wives ought to be to their husbands and everything.
And so this idea of submission, again, is not popular in our society today.
people
have misunderstood, I think, the biblical explanation or understanding of what it means and
women's rights movements have been
being pushed since boy many years now
And…
we are looked down upon as misogynistic.
and bigoted and chauvinistic and
It's just sad. And so we need to really understand the biblical perspective because
As you're talking to friends and trying to share with new believers.
It's not kind of the background in which a lot of people are coming from as they're coming to know Christ these days.
So.
What submit doesn't mean
It doesn't mean that you're unequal.
We know from Galatians 3.28 that there's no distinction in Christ, neither june or Greek.
slave nor free, male nor female, we're all one in Christ.
And so it needs to be very clear that this is not a
a value
driven statement. It's an order that God has established.
And again, the Lord does things just
Contrary to our intuition.
Because it's, you know, the men are supposed to lead and the men are supposed to teach
And the men are teaching the Bible and the men are teaching the women from the Bible that they're to subject themselves to the man. So it's like, well, how come you're telling us what to do?
Because God told us to tell you
And just it seems like very self-serving to say, well, this is what the Bible says.
Because I'm a guy.
And so sometimes men feel awkward about teaching these things
But we submit to the authority of the bible
And that's
no matter what it says, whether or not I like it.
or agree with it, it's God's word. And so we teach it and we share it as it were the oracles of God because it is the oracles of God.
And so it's not popular it's not popular.
Fun, but it's
the Lord's word. And again, it's not an instance where
We're saying here that women are inferior to man, not in any way.
It's more of kind of like a military term, actually, like in ranking
And so it's
It's more of a responsibility thing. If I'm the general
in the in the army um
Yes, I have more
authority, but with that comes an awful lot of responsibility.
I don't know if you remember several years ago now there was a
a boy with a nuclear
missile that was lost
and transporting it from one base to another.
And I don't know what happened. Somebody got wrong directions and they got lost. Now the missile was found, so no terrorists have our missiles.
But I have a friend who was
involved in that incident he was a
Well, see, he was a colonel in the Air Force.
And they didn't
I mean, the guys in the truck in trouble.
the guys that
gave the wrong directions, got in trouble.
But they went after the head
person. And that was the person that lost their job. The other guys got reprimanded. I don't think he had a stripe taken off or they've been in the military.
Point being is the one with the most authority has the most responsibility.
And again, they had to stand before their superiors and answer for that.
And so, and so
the guy being the leader
the woman being submissive is actually a favor
to the ladies in a lot of ways because the guy
It's the one that's going to give an account for that family.
So it doesn't mean that you're unequal. It doesn't mean that you're to be silent.
You know, it's, again, I talked about kind of the caveman approach that some
believers have where, you know, I'm the guy, I'm the leader, you know.
just be silent and do what I say.
But it's not
Ladies, you're not to just silently just say nothing.
You're allowed to have opinions. You're allowed to share those opinions.
And you should, because again.
A lot of guys don't like the responsibility.
and they're
looking for input. They're looking for
Validation. But if it's a dumb idea, you got to say, honey, as much as I love you.
This is a dumb idea.
I mean, we'll do, you know, if you're really convinced before the Lord, we'll do that but
I just got to tell you.
I have some hesitation, some reservations here.
And that's okay. I value that. And guys, I see a couple of heads nodding.
You know, some decisions are tough.
And it's good to get
There's wisdom in many counselors.
So it's not that you're not equal. It's not that you're to never give an opinion. It's not that you're not influential.
It's so amazing that
Just a quiet word said at the right time and in the right tone.
can really make a big difference.
You know, there's been times when
I'll ask my wife about something and
It's almost like it's just a question. So say, well, have you ever thought about this?
And it's like revelatory, you know, and you just
really appreciate that input
Regardless of how
insignificant you might think it is.
But at the same time, it's not manipulative.
As guys, I think most of us want to please
our wives more than anybody else other than the Lord.
And so we will be looking for that validation.
And…
I don't know if you recognize or realize how much influence you do have on your husband, but you have a lot.
And so the more you recognize that, then there is a responsibility on you
not to be manipulative because you can
you can shape a perspective there.
And so you have to be careful because the responsibility with you as well.
1 Peter 3.1 says.
The same way you always be submissive
to your own husband so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word.
then maybe one without a word.
by the behavior of your wives. And so this idea of submission
Talks just about your quiet, respectful
loving Christ-like behavior.
And in the context here, I think it's
maybe talking about an unsaved man
But in the same way, I was challenging the guys to lead by example. The ladies can lead by example as well. And so if your husband is one of these guys that he's a go-getter and runs out of the house every morning and just, I don't have time for the Bible, I'll get to that later.
Don't nag them.
But open your Bible.
And if he sees, you know, morning after morning that you're in the word and he's not.
that can speak volumes.
If you're
Driving down the freeway and somebody cuts you off and your husband
Has some choice words for them.
You don't pile on you don't
you know correct your husband
But you maybe change the subject or you maybe say something encouraging or positive about somebody.
And be an influence.
But so much is caught
rather than taught that are examples
can really be significant.
Oh, okay.
The Lord said, we read this again yesterday, it's not good for a man to be alone. I'll make him a helper.
suitable for him.
And the idea there is to be a complement
to the man to be in some ways
a perfect fit.
And again, I mentioned the
the unfortunate
mindset that we get in where somehow single people aren't as valuable.
But there's an aspect here where indeed
there is that element of complementary
helping.
Somebody said, and you can tell me if you agree with this or not.
that a wife's
Number one ministry
should be making sure that her husband is successful in ministry.
And I thought about that. And again, it sounds a little self-seeking or self-serving
And, um.
self-centered self-centered
But what does it say?
The Lord himself speaking, saying, I will make him a helper.
suitable for him.
And that word helper means helper. You know, it's not
It's not a trick word.
And so if
Sometimes, you know, I talked about my wife, you know, not having a bunch of hobbies of her own
But I tell you, there's
There's so much that I
am able to do because of her support.
We just, we, I mentioned we have
visitors in her home all the time and
I think there was one stretch
this year where it was
I don't know. Eight.
Seven weeks straight where we had
different people living in our home.
And we had a comment
Oh, maybe two weeks ago now.
Or they said, how come your house is always so clean?
And I just laugh and don't look at me.
You know, my wife is just
a little bit over the top, but very good at keeping things clean.
And, you know, it's like her parents are coming to visit in a few weeks and it's like she's already, you know, deep cleaning stuff. I'm like, it's your parents. But it's just.
it makes it so inviting and comfortable for people
that it's awesome.
And I show up and I host, you know, I'm kind of the
the talker and she's
not saying much, but if it wasn't for her
you know we'd be at McDonald's and they wouldn't be staying anywhere.
And so it's
you know it's just amazing that it's it's a help
It's a help to the ministry.
And, you know, it used to be used
When we were first doing the high school class, we did that for, like I said, 17 years.
And then we moved over to the college ministry
She said after about the first three weeks of doing college work.
She says, you know, when I was in the high school ministry, I felt like I was
you were doing the ministry and I was there.
When it came to the college ministry, I felt we were both ministering
kind of equally together. And it was actually amazing. There were Friday nights where there was literally a line of girls waiting to talk to my wife.
And not that it's inappropriate for guy leaders to talk to girls.
But boy, what an expansion of the ministry.
Because she was able to be there. And she wasn't asked to lead the ministry. I was, but
her support and help really blossomed.
And in fact, the biggest complaint we've had since we left, we turned over the college group
three years ago is that the girls are dying.
And this is being taped. It's kind of a bummer because there's two couples. And so there's two wives involved, but they're not the same as
as my helper, being just a tremendous asset to the ministry.
Ladies, be a support.
Again, not a silent partner
But doing all you can to
to bless your husband's ministry. I remember
I told you I worked at Lockheed Martin for 13 years and I had a friend there who was a vice president. He was pretty high level.
And he said, as he was growing through the company, he said, my job is to make my boss look good.
Because if he recognizes that I've done something to make him look good, he's going to take care of me.
And in some ways, I want to be careful how I say that but
kind of that's one of your roles, ladies, is to make your husband look good.
Because as he senses and sees and hears that support.
he's going to be more inclined to really cherish you the way we talked about earlier.
So make it a goal.
to help your husband in any way that you can.
And finally, we mentioned this again yesterday, but
the idea of respect.
you see there, the wife must see to it that she respect her husband.
Bless you.
This is one of those seemingly unfair statements in the Bible, because in my mind, respect is earned.
Why would I respect somebody who's lazy or
or disrespectful.
or spiritually
inferior or fill in the blank.
Because the Lord tells me to.
And it's, I got to be careful about being political, but it's like um
the president of the United States.
I actually had the
opportunity. I was working at Lockheed and
This was during the Clinton administration.
And my boss came out of her office and said, hey, the president is going to be over at a building just, I don't know.
three blocks away, you want to go
See him. No, it's Clinton.
No political statements made there.
But then I said, wait a minute my boss
just asked me if I wanted to stop working and go look at the president.
I said, yeah, I'll go. I was like, lazy guy, I wanted to get out of work.
So we walked over and kind of right as we got there, he was coming out of the building. And then there was this, I think there was five SUVs and, you know, the Secret Service and cones all set up and so
He starts walking out of the building and all of a sudden.
He breaks away from the group and starts going through the crowd, shaking hands.
And so I like ran up to the front of the line and shook
President Clinton's hand.
Now, I'm not sure I could tell you much about his
politics at all. I can tell you about his morals a little bit.
And I'm not impressed.
But I made a little bit of a flow myself and maybe knocked over two or three people on the way.
Because I got to meet the president of the United States of America, perhaps the most powerful man in the world at the time.
So I respect the position.
the person the person
no comic.
Sometimes, wives, you need to respect the position.
Because God has put that person in that place in your life.
And he wants you, according to his
commandments to respect them.
The best thing that you can do for a husband who is not
living up to the standards that God has for him?
to pray.
And it's really sad to me, and I say this, so I'm not trying to condemn anybody.
But I say, well, there's nothing else I can do. I guess I'll pray.
And we almost look at it as a
an afterthought or a, well, there's really nothing practical I can do to help, so I guess I'll just pray.
Boy, I think it was Luis Palau that said, prayer is the slender nerve
that moves the arm of omnipotence.
And as you look at the Bible.
Moses in particular comes to mind, but God is going to like wipe out an entire nation, you know, a couple of million people.
And Moses intercedes
And it says, and God repented
of what he was going to do.
And so when I think of the omnipotent, almighty, all-powerful God.
who doesn't change.
changing his mind based on the prayers of a humble servant.
That sounds like something more significant than, I guess I'll pray.
So wives, if your husband is not
the man that he should be being.
Pray. Don't try to manipulate. Don't try to gossip and talk about it and go tell his best friend that he needs to change them.
Tell your best friend that he needs to change him.
And I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
God is an awesome God.
All right, the role of parents, and I know everybody in the room is not a parent, but I think the majority is, so
talk a little bit about the role of parenting. You see there are roles to train, to disciple, and to discipline and not
any particular order. So we'll just talk about some general principles and
maybe share some fun stories of mistakes that I've made over the years.
All right.
Rose 22, 6, train up a child in the way that he should go. Even when he is old, he will not depart from it.
And have you known any wayward children?
So you look at this verse and you say.
God, are you a liar?
I was talking to a friend recently, actually, very recently.
whose daughter invited he and his wife over
or made an appointment at their house.
And…
shared that she was divorcing her husband
She had decided that she no longer believed the principles of the Bible and felt like she wanted to live a homosexual lifestyle.
And this man was an elder at the church that he was going to.
And he said, I just felt like I
was an absolute failure as a parent, as a leader, as an elder, as a man
And quoted this verse, he said, what did I do wrong?
This is a general principle. It is not a guarantee.
And that's, I think, often the case with the Proverbs.
They're generally true statements, but
we can really get in trouble with our doubting of the lord
if we…
get bitter about things like this.
And the reality is that 22 or 23 years, I don't know how old this young lady is, but certainly pretty young.
he's no longer parent's
responsibility in the way that this guy's thinking, oh no i you know i got a better drop out of everything because I'm a loser
So take heart, I guess, is my point. If you're a parent
In a situation like that.
The principles are true and they're valid.
But they're not a lock solid guarantee that your kid will always be perfect because you did the best job you could.
I was sharing last night with somebody that
My kids were awesome.
Until they turned 18.
And I remember clearly my son coming to me and he said, hey, dad, you know, I'm 18.
This weekend.
Is it okay if I start making my own decisions?
It's not like we never let them make any decisions, but you get the point. They'll be their parents
And I said, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
And then we had things like, you know, you can't watch TV during the week at all. You can't play on the computer until you're done with your
homework and we'd always check the homework to make sure it was turned in and
And maybe not a good idea to go to that movie, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
Which, again, a good, loving, protective parent wants to do
So our kids were pretty awesome. Great grades in school and, you know.
People at church thought they were wonderful and we thought they were wonderful.
And that's
I look at my son's life from then and
You know, it kind of went
Like this.
for quite a while.
And it was heartbreaking.
It was soul-searching.
It was…
In some days debilitating.
Until
he hit what the law determined was rock bottom.
And I remember going down to San Diego to pick him up from school where he was
flunking out. He had gained a ton of weight, wasn't sleeping.
was addicted to video games.
had gotten in a bunch of debt because of that.
and just realized
that there was nowhere else to turn but
his folks.
And so as I went down there and just loved them and spoke to him and and
reminded him of things.
He began a turnaround.
And by God's grace now, he's in ministry.
serving the Lord at a church in Virginia.
has a lovely wife and they love the lord and
And I praise the Lord for that. And so I can speak from a personal example where
Maybe they should say, we'll not depart from it forever. Maybe there's a little
phrasing that it was missed because
It seemed like he departed and he never denied the Lord in all this process, but he certainly wasn't acknowledging
And prioritizing the Lord.
But by God's grace.
you know things have changed.
There's another missionary couple that I know that many of you probably would know as well if I mentioned the names.
who have a daughter that's still wayward.
And they pray relentlessly for her.
And there was a time where there was an uptick and it sound like things were going well and
I talked to them recently and i recently
They're kind of back at frustration and discouragement.
So our job is to
to do our side of the bargain.
The rest is up to them and the Lord and so
Don't despair.
But don't.
become bitter against God if somehow he doesn't
meet your expectations there.
It's our responsibility to train them.
And leave them in the Lord's hand.
Discipline your son while there's hope and do not desire his death.
Sometimes maybe you feel that as a parent.
But discipline is part of parenting. And again, boy, in California in particular, Child Protective Services are a fearful
presence in our society.
We had one family at our assembly that was living in a mobile home. And so, you know, they're really close together.
And she got a knock on her door one day and they said, I work with Child Protective Services. Your neighbor called and said that you were being verbally abusive to your children. And so we need to interview you.
There was another
girl in our assembly who called CPS on her brother.
Because she was mad at her brother and
She knew that he spanked his kids.
And so she called Child Protective Service and they showed up at the door and said, we're here to interview about the abuse of your children.
And so they are very aggressive. I don't know how it is out here, but in California, very
very assertive organization.
And so you got to be wise. You've got to be careful
You want to stick with biblical principles
But you really need to be wise about it. I guess now I have some friends in Germany, it is illegal.
In Germany, I just spanked children.
And to homeschool as well for that matter.
our
Ultimate authority is the Bible and God's word, and so we need to do what it says. And that word discipline there doesn't only mean to spank. There's a lot of training that's involved in discipline. When we think of church discipline, we always look at the end and throw somebody out of the church. There's a lot of steps in between there.
similar with disciplining our children.
But it does say foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, the rod of discipline will move far from him.
I remember when our son, my poor son is going to get all the illustrations today. He was about three, maybe four. And you know, each night.
we'd go in and pray with them. This one night it was just me and him.
And I'd pray first and then he would pray
He said something that, you know, whatever, 30 years later, I still remember
He was saying, you know, Jesus, thank you for this day. Thank you for, you know, whatever my toys and, you know.
or your old prey. And then he said.
And Jesus, please help mommy and daddy to spank me when I disobey.
I just thought, what did I just hear?
But I think he understood.
why we were doing it and really appreciated that that was the right thing to do.
And so in the process of disciplining.
there should be no mistake why you're doing it.
And so you definitely do not want to do it out of anger.
And so oftentimes it's good to not do it immediately. You know, you see the whatever the
violation is and immediately you're swatting them.
But maybe you need to take a second and pray.
Say, Lord, I need a discipline for that.
But I need to do it with the right attitude. So help me.
And then you say okay
Son, daughter, we need to
And maybe you have a spot that's that's
that you don't particularly like in your house. So you bring them to that's associated with, you know, you don't want it to be your bedroom here because it'll never come into your bedroom. But, you know, you go to a spot and you say.
um you know
what you just did to your brother was not acceptable.
And you've been warned several times, you know that's wrong.
And so because
I want to honor God.
I need to spank you. And it's because I love you.
And then we're going to ask Jesus for forgiveness.
And it's going to be done. And I'm not going to bring it up again.
And you don't need to feel guilty anymore.
Once you've confessed to the Lord.
And so maybe then we'll pray first
And then you give them the SWAT.
And, you know, here talks about here the rod of discipline
It's usually best to have some instrument on which you use as opposed to your hand because you don't want them associating your physical body with pain.
Because that can cause some emotional issues there.
have some sort of an instrument. We used a wooden spoon, you know, one of those stirring spoons
My dad used a hockey stick.
Quite literally, honestly.
Yeah, when I hear about, you know.
kids talking about their parents abusing him today. I just laugh because
They don't know what abuse was.
I don't laugh at them. That's not fair, but I want to be sensitive but
there could have been worse. So have some sort of an instrument that you can use that that you
Make sure you hide it because the kids will find it and throw it away if they know that that's the rod.
But it certainly is part of
of God's plan for disciplining
the children. And it's interesting, you know, when you see discipline
You change a couple letters around and it talks about discipling.
And so there is quite a connection between those two
concepts and so we want to
be disciplining our children.
He who withholds his rod hates his son.
But he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
And that aspect there of diligently is so important because
Children have some pretty strong wills.
And before you start getting mad at them, they get them from you.
So it's
it's kind of their nature
to need discipline.
But we need to be consistent and diligent.
And I remember talking to a lady one day where
She just said, you know, I'm just
tired. And so I, you know, usually by about four
o'clock in the afternoon, like the kids do whatever they want because I'm just tired of discipline all day.
And I was like, as much as I
sympathize and empathize with that, you can't stop.
Because they're going to know that if i just
have more stamina than mom, I'm going to win and get my way.
And they're not being trained.
And so as hard as it can be, if it's like, oh, this is like the fifth time today, I've got to take a little Susie and
do the discipline? You do.
And that's one of your responsibilities as their parent is
in training and in disciplining them.
Don't hold back discipline from a child, although you strike him with the rod, he will not die.
And I don't want to overemphasize the spanking aspect, but because it's so
frowned upon in our society today. I want to show you there's a lot of scriptures that support
the principal.
However.
Fathers in particular, do not provoke your children to anger.
but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
And so, like my little son.
they should be thankful that you disciplined them, not mad and bitter and vindictive against you.
And it's in the way we do it, I think the attitude
and the perspective.
And to give maybe another New Testament perspective
They disobed us for a short time that seemed best to them.
But he that is the Lord disciplines us for our good.
So that we may share his holiness.
All discipline seems for the moment.
Not joyful, but sorrowful.
Yet to those who have been trained by it afterward, it yields the peaceful fruit
of righteousness.
So there are
clearly biblical and godly results that should occur when we discipline.
And we have to believe the Bible more than our society.
More than our feelings, more than our kids tears.
And say, I'm doing this for their good.
And while it hurts and it's
tiring and it's frustrating.
It's the way the Lord has laid it out.
And we need to trust him and follow through.
This is the commandment in the statues from Deuteronomy 6.
that the judgments which the Lord your God has commanded me, Moses, to teach to you.
that you might do them in the land where you're going over to possess it.
So that you and your son and your grandson might fear the Lord and your God to keep all his statutes and commandments, which I command you today.
All the days of your life so that your days may be prolonged.
O Israel, you should listen and be careful to do it.
that it may be well with you and that you may
multiply greatly, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers has promised you.
in a land flowing with milk and honey.
hero Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart
With all your soul and with all your might. And you see in the Shema, which again, all Jewish people would be familiar with, and it's one of their highest prayers
It's in the context of keeping the commandments
and teaching those to our children.
In fact, he goes on
to talk about that. Oh, these are the rest of the verses. Sorry. These words, which I'm commanding you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons.
And shall talk of them when you sit in your house. Now, think about this in our context today.
You shall…
Talk of them when you sit in your house.
When you walk by the way.
When you're laid down and when you rise up.
If you'll bind them as a sign on your hand.
And then she'll be as frontals on your forehead.
You shall write them on the doorpost of your house and on your gates.
What's he trying to say? This isn't like just a poetic, oh, Moses is writing a song, so he needs to kind of include all these cool things.
It's like, this is like every aspect
of your life. You're looking for opportunities
to teach and to discipline and to train your children.
there's a…
a series that we went through for a while at our church called Growing Kids God's Way.
And again, I know that the ESOS has some
Financial…
concerns and so there's some
black clouds hanging over them, but the principles that they taught in that
Pass were very, very, very good.
And they talked about windows of opportunity.
And it's you know it's a
where your kids have a private world.
And they have a right to that.
But once in a while, they'll open that window and let you look in.
And those are the times that you take advantage of the teaching moments.
You know, when you're
Kid is frustrated because
Maybe they just broke up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or they just got a bad grade in school or
their older sibling took their toy, you know, whatever the age is
They're in the middle of being mad.
maybe not the best time to barge in
And kick the door down up there.
private world. But oftentimes for me, it was those times, like I mentioned earlier, when I was praying at night with my kids
And, you know, sometimes, and I'll
Honestly, it's like, okay, well, I need to do this because I want to be a good role model to my kids, but I really, you know, that TV show is about to start or that game's on or, you know, I got more work to do. And so it's like, okay, let's just get this prayer done and I can get going.
And usually that's when they would have that vulnerable moment.
And they say daddy
How come the girls in my class don't like me?
Don't worry about it, honey. Let's just pray and go to bed.
Wrong answer.
When they open their hearts like that and give you that opportunity, that's when you tenderly
take the opportunity.
And that's your mode of operation or wherever you are, when you're walking, when you're in the house, when you're in the streets, when it's like obvious on your face, you know.
every aspect of your life, you're prepared and you're thinking and you're looking for those opportunities.
then you'll see them.
It's honestly the same thing in evangelism.
If you're not looking, you miss a ton of opportunities to share the Lord.
If you're not looking, you miss a ton of opportunities.
to impact your child's life.
I remember one time with the evangelism one, I was in full-time ministry, so I was at home preparing a bible study
And the doorbell rings and I open the door and it's UPS and they give me something.
And he goes, oh, it's unusual to see a man home in the middle of the day.
that, yeah, I work from home and close the door.
And then I go back and I'm making this up because I don't remember, but maybe I'm preparing a sermon on evangelism, you know, say, oh.
Good illustration, buddy. But the Lord kind of said to me, good illustration, buddy, because you choked.
I brought somebody to your door, they ask you what you're doing there. And honestly, I was preparing a Bible study. And I just said, oh yeah, I work from home.
And it was really cool of the Lord because then like two hours later
somebody else came. And I don't know if it was the mailman, but it was definitely a delivery. I can't remember if it was, you know, FedEx or UPS or the mailman.
And so I opened the door and he's like, oh.
Hey, you off work today?
I said, no, actually, I'm a Bible teacher. And so I'm just preparing some stuff for a Bible study I'm leading tonight.
Oh, that's cool. And he left.
So the Lord was gracious enough to give me another chance because I was thinking about it.
Well, if I'm not thinking about
disciplining and discipling my children
Boy, I'm going to miss some good opportunities.
And so we need to be alert
for all aspects of life.
discipling okay
A lot like disciplining because it's training.
But 2 Timothy 2.2, we use it all the time when we're talking about
discipling ministries in our church
But for some reason we fail to think about it with our own kids at home.
And I was actually, I was talking to a guy recently who just had his ninth child
And, um.
he was talking about, maybe one of them had just made a profession of faith
And I said, you know.
if we were more
focused on just sharing the gospel with our family
what an impact we'd have. Can you imagine if
Again, if all five of my kids get saved and then they have five kids and they get saved and
And this just keeps growing and and
Lord willing, they share with like somebody else outside of the family
We have a huge opportunity to spread the gospel.
And sometimes we're thinking, oh, I got to go spread the gospel. That means go, therefore, and make disciples.
And sometimes we've got to realize we can stay
and make disciples in our very own home.
And so this is the principle that again, you hear it all the time, but do you think about it
right in your living room.
What a tremendous opportunity. It talks about children being
arrows in a quiver, you know, and if we can
sharpen them and unhone them and help them to see that they're arrows. And then we shoot them out
our impact can be
he spread much, much further.
And so if everybody just
Prayerfully focused on their own kids
We'd be doing much better as disciples than if we always
are thinking that needs to be done outside.
I mentioned yesterday that children don't make a family. They don't complete a family.
They're a welcome member of the family.
But one problem that I'd like to address is this concept of child-centered parenting.
Or the kids are everything.
And again, they're so cute and they're adorable and they're awesome.
But they're not to be
come idols in our lives and they can be if we focus too much on them
Some of the things that I think it does, it
attacks and reduces the biblical significance of the husband-wife relationship.
And kids will pick up on this faster than
then you can imagine, well, they see that, hey, mom and dad are really trying to please me
And so I'll
manipulate them. I'll use that to my advantage.
And they'll go and ask one. And then if they don't get the right answer, they'll go to the other. And then they'll say, well, you know, mommy said I could.
And you got to be careful. It undermines
your responsibility and your relationship.
It promotes a false sense of self-reliance.
What we do when we we
overly emphasize overly emphasize
ministering to our children is we make them into little gods.
And they will
be hated among their community.
Because it will be so obvious that they're so self-centered and self-reliant.
It fosters independence rather than interdependence.
We want to make sure that they recognize that they are an integral part of our family
But there is an interdependence.
And so even with ministry.
Get your kids involved. If you're
if you're hosting a Bible study at your home, ask them to help you in preparing and maybe setting up chairs
you know, cleaning up afterwards.
greeting people, walking them when they come into your home.
People appreciate a child is welcome way more than they appreciate yours, nothing personal.
But it's just heartwarming when a young one comes up and greets you in their home.
Tell your kids, you know, when you ever notice, you know, Mike's face when when you say hi to him?
you know that you're a blessing.
And help them to see that they're a part
of what's going on. But they're not the center of attention. You don't let them lead your Bible study.
But you let them know that they're a part and they need
the body.
Child center parenting minimizes the need for moral conformity to standards.
Okay.
are self-willed and they want their way and it's in nature. Maybe your kid's the exception. I doubt it.
They're little sinners.
And we need to
maintain that moral conformity and not let them
recognize that they can recognize that they can
manipulate us. And finally, it fosters an attitude of idolatry
And idolatry, again, is not bowing down to idols and making human sacrifices. It's putting something as a higher priority than the Lord.
And so if you're
giving more love and attention and worship
to your child to your child
That's the attitude that they're going to have as well in life.
And that's not one.
that honors the Lord. So as opposed to that, you want to have family focused homes
The most, and many, many surveys have
have um
substantiated this, but the most significant
thing that you can do as a
parent to give your parent
child a sense of security.
is love your spouse.
and make them a priority over the kid.
And that sounds counterintuitive.
But it's really, really.
significant.
And certainly in our society, as we mentioned yesterday, where there's so many broken homes.
That's the norm.
And so when your kids go to school and they hear all their friends talking about, oh yeah, mommy and daddy are splitting up.
They're thinking, are my mommy and daddy gonna split up?
And if they come home and they see you loving each other in real and practical and
consistent ways.
that just does something to their soul that says, okay, not my mommy and daddy. They're not going to break up.
And I tell you, that is the biggest fear.
that a child has almost um
unconsciously because they need that security
And the home is where it should be.
And so we want to really focus on
your relationship
And that gives them
so much more comfort.
Practical way to do that, have a date night.
And again, I'm such a hypocrite at this because
I don't do date nights very well. My kids are gone, so I have an excuse. I don't know. I'm full-time. I'm always around.
your kids
need a break from you.
as much as you sometimes feel you need a break from them.
And so one, like I said, point one, it prioritizes your relationship. Like, oh, mommy and daddy are always going out together. They must like each other.
Especially if you like tell them the fun things that you did
They're like, oh, that's cool. I'd like a relationship like that someday.
And so again, then it sets an example as well for them to
to follow.
But it's important to have some date nights.
And let me just jump to the bottom one there, talking about establishing and maintaining couch time. Maybe that's easier. Maybe, you know, now we can afford dates, although
One time I was doing a relationship series and I listened to this guy and he said, here's some fun date ideas.
Go to the local airport
And people watch and like make up stories of what they're doing. It's like, okay, so see that guy, he's like, he's a spy and he's got he's got like secret documents in that, oh, look, and that guy there, he's with the KGB. He's following him.
And just, you know, have fun making up stories about people. And not like making fun of people, but making fun of the stories together.
You know how much it costs you?
44 cents in gas, you know, to get there. It wouldn't be 88 cents in gas nowadays.
Or, you know.
Walk around a lake.
How much does that cost? Zero.
And so don't
the excuse or the reason of money
hinder you. But that said maybe you have
Issues where you can't get out.
this idea of couch time
is one that I think is very helpful.
And the idea here is that
You pick a particular time and often it's like when the
maybe when the husband first comes home from work, or if you both are working, if you both get home.
And you say, okay, kids, unless…
There's blood gushing from an artery.
or there's a fire in the home
you don't talk to us for the next 20 minutes.
Because mommy and daddy are having couch time.
We're going to sit and we're going to decompress and talk about our days and talk about adult things.
So please don't kill your brother or sister.
But be creative and go do something fun.
And again, you're maintaining, you're modeling, you're telling your kids, we are the priority.
We love you to death. We sacrifice for you. They see that.
But they don't see you guys interacting
in an adult way, in a loving way, in a personal way.
So just say, hey, maybe it's
first thing when they get up.
Whatever it is, right after dinner, you guys can do the dishes age dependent. You want to be careful with that. You don't want to be buying new dishes every week.
But say mommy and daddy are having our special time. We love you. We'll be with you.
Again, as long as there's no blood.
figure it out. You guys can work it out.
And just have that time together.
Not only is it great for them, it's really good for you.
So I would recommend that highly.
Okay, so back to family-focused homes. Give special treats and gifts to each other.
Okay, so, and I don't know how many of you have had this where you're at
any kind of a store. And it's like, oh, mommy, can I have that? Daddy, can I get this?
And a lot of times we give in. And again, that's not like that's sinful to do.
But you can be creating a monster.
But maybe every once in a while I'll say.
you know what? I'm just going to get mommy a special gift today. Wouldn't that be cool if we surprise mommy with a gift?
And then again, you'll see them go
What a great idea. There's somebody else in the world besides me.
And boy, Daddy and or mommy loves
the other. And so they see that and now they're starting to think about others.
Not just themselves.
Invite family and friends over and show the kids that the house is a place of ministry. Ken, I talked about that with
Bible study, but it can be a meal.
Just invite a family or two over for a meal and
get the kids involved, help them to
to help you prepare, have them sit at the table and and
Listen to adults.
And then include them in the conversation.
You know, maybe you're talking about coaching soccer.
And you say, hey, Billy, why don't you tell Mr. Jones about the game today?
And to have them now interacting with other adults because they see that
The house isn't just about us as a family, it's about us as a community of believers.
There's a little bit of
Maybe tension.
of, okay, so my family is more important than the church. No, the church is more important than my family.
And we have this
I think error
on both sides where there's people that say, I'm ministry, that's all I got to do is ministry.
the family just kind of will by osmosis come along and they'll understand I'm such a servant that they'll get it.
And we ignore our family. And sometimes we sacrifice our family
for the sake of ministry.
Don't do that.
But then there's others that say, well, my family is is my
Number one, responsibility.
the church can figure it out themselves.
there needs to be a balance.
And you can you can
swing the pendulum too far either way.
Maybe that's your first conversation of your newfound couch time.
Next week, they say, how are we balancing
our involvement in the church and our ministering to our family.
Both are very important.
And I think the more you can bring them together.
the better. And again, I don't want to step on any toes but
this whole concept of the first year of marriage
Deuteronomy, I'm not going out to war. So I am going out to war, so nothing else matters except for the family.
Unless you're in the service.
I'm thinking you're taking that verse a little out of context.
And the first year of marriage
you're setting…
habits and patterns for the rest of your married life.
And so if you say, I'm going to ignore ministry so that I can really focus on my spouse.
it's really hard to say, oh, it's been a year. Okay, now I can jump in and be fully involved in
It doesn't work that way.
Same things with our family.
Okay, well, I've got young kids. I can't really do anything.
Yeah, you can.
you can't talk to somebody else in the church that has young kids and get together and have young kids together.
So be careful not to over or under emphasize. You need to have balance you know as
As my friend the karate Kid would say, you know, wax on, wax off, balance.
We have to have balance in our Christian lives.
Okay, so the father just will wrap up with this because
the father has, I think, a lot more
responsibility slash influence than they realize, you know, moms are moms, they're awesome and it's kind of like natural they just be moms and
You know, if you notice on
all the sports events when they interview the guy, it's like, hi, mom. Anybody ever say hi, dad? Very rarely because moms are just awesome. They're doing their job.
But fathers have a pretty important role to play.
Cultivating a sense of family identity.
You know, you set the standard for who you guys are as a family.
And when I first started doing this, I remember one time I was out raking leaves.
And my son was playing hockey in the driveway and my daughter, I don't know, she was probably seven. So he would have been like nine.
And she's like, Daddy, can I help you with raking? And you know that means you're
Add on 20 minutes, whatever you're doing. But you're like, yeah, sure. So I don't know why, but we had this little tiny rake. So I gave that to
my daughter, she starts raking. And then my wife comes out and she starts pulling weeds.
And my son's, you know, shooting goals.
I was like, hey, Eric, why don't you come join us?
And I said.
you know we're the
We're the raking family.
You know, and we're all excited about raking leaves and putting
Stupid.
But I hear my daughter then the next day at church saying to some other little girl, we're the ranking family.
But the dad sets that
family identity. Who are we? Who are we as a family?
And so
Keep in mind, you can have a huge influence on
on who your family is.
I kind of flogged this to death, demonstrate an ongoing love for your wife. Focus on that relationship and make your kids
Completely understand that you love your wife
unconditionally and you're never going anywhere.
That's such a…
a strong a strong
comfort for your kids. Understand your child's private world. I mentioned that earlier about those windows of opportunity.
You have to be really sensitive
where your kids are and
and how to manage that. I had a really huge failure in this one.
my son's first girlfriend
You know, it didn't last, it didn't go well.
And she broke up with him.
And he was…
Still remember, he was laying on the family room floor crying.
And telling me about kind of what went on and what she said and what he said and how things went.
And I said.
Sun, it sounds like you're kind of being a little bit of a baby about this.
And went on, and I don't remember how the conversation ended.
But I think it was
Three years later?
We were talking about that situation
Oh, because we were going up to a camp where they had met. And so her name came up.
And he said, yeah, dad, remember the time when we were in the family room and blah, blah? Oh, yeah, I remember he goes.
Well, that was the day I stopped listening to you.
And I just, yeah, kind of had that reaction that you just had.
And as I'm fighting back the tears and going over the, oh, no, should I stop being an elder? Should I kill myself? I mean, I felt so horrible.
And he said, but you know what, Dad, you were right.
And I was just like, what did I do wrong?
And so again, three years had passed. I'm trying to replay in my mind
you can be right.
But you can totally blow it.
by the way you say things. And so when
your kid is vulnerable and they share something really hard
Boy, be careful.
go like with the ultimate China on that one.
You know, it's like, I want to be so careful with this. Get the gloves
And treat it like the Stanley cup or something. You got to be really careful.
Also, you want to give your children the freedom to fail.
I didn't have that as a kid. So I can tell you how to fix almost anything
But I can't fix hardly anything.
Because my dad would give me about a minute and a half and I'd somehow break something or, you know, do it wrong. And I'd be like, just give it to me. Because again, he didn't want to take another four days to change the oil.
So I got really good at handing him tools and watching.
it's okay for your kids to fail.
you need to give them that freedom.
And I think in ministry as well, just a little tangent.
We need to give people the freedom to fail in ministry otherwise
there's this fear and reluctance to try anything.
And boy, if
If the Lord was that way with me.
Again, I probably would be doing very little for him.
And so give your children the freedom to fail.
And you want to teach them
allow them that leeway.
Encourage your child. It's
I have yet in my many, many, many encounters with people young and old.
to have anybody say to me, you know what?
Would you stop with the encouragement?
I'm getting a little bit tired of you telling me about good things in my life.
maybe a little criticism will be helpful once in a while.
Nobody on the planet
get frustrated if you encourage them.
And nothing more than children. And again, it was so tricky for me because
I know that I tended to be a proud person and my son was following well in my footsteps and so I didn't want to
like tell him he was good at something because then he'd get all proud and
And be a jerk. And so I, you know, he'd come home from a game. I was usually there because I was coaching him.
They say, hey, dad, you know, I scored that hatred today.
Yeah, but what about those three that you missed?
And it's just, what are you doing?
Because you don't want them to get proud.
you don't be honest. It's like, dude, that was awesome
Now you need to remember that there's a team there, so it's not all about you. And remember that past, you know, Oscar gave you and
So you can
encourage without going the wrong way. Unfortunately, I
learned that the hard way by not encouraging enough
And then you see again later on in life where that insecurity and that
Self-loathing, honestly, in some cases, more for my daughter than my son
Because they're never good enough.
I mentioned the
pottery that I had the other day.
Encourage your kids. That is so special that you thought about me when you were making this.
I have another little porcelain thing on my desk still
broken now because I'm clutz, but it's a little thing that has
It says dad
And then it has a whistle because I refereed a lot of games or maybe coaching. I don't know why my son made it, but it's like.
Every time he comes over, he sees that. I remember that son?
And you can just see the kind of this little
smile on his face about, man, my dad's had that for
you know, 25 years now.
And it's encouraging. Be an encourager.
Guard your tongue and your tone. I think enough said there, as I mentioned with that story about in the family room.
Sometimes the best thing is to be quiet.
In fact, some of you have adult children
And we did a class
on that at Hillview five or six years ago now
And it was talking about the book titled, I'll forget the title, but I think it was Parenting Adult Children.
And then the tagline was, put out the welcome mat and shut your mouth.
You know, because they're adults.
But we still think there are five. What are you earn that for? That doesn't match it.
You know what? Get over it. They're on their own. They're doing their own thing.
And so.
be careful what you say, or maybe they bring over the grandkids and now you need to tell them how to parent. Oh, that's a good one.
Anybody in the history of forever
to have that work out well?
you know.
they're still your kids. And so you maybe want to look for those
windows of opportunity.
But they're a lot less frequent than you might think.
So be careful with what you say and how you say it.
Routinely embrace your child and that
That kind of should be obvious, but unfortunately, sometimes it's not.
And I remember somebody said one time, you know, if especially for dads and daughters.
If they don't get the affection that they seek from you, they'll get it from somebody else.
And boy, you know, again, with working with high school kids for all those years
there's an awful lot of tragedy because dads are
too macho or too distracted or too stupid
to embrace their kids.
And even in public.
while as much as they might say, Dad, don't embarrass me.
they'll appreciate it.
And so make sure to physically show your children that you love them.
And then build trust on God's word. Again, it always goes back to the scripture.
But as you're teaching principles.
you want to the best you can show your kids why
Give them the moral reason
why things are the way they are.
You know, with the disciplining things, you know.
this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you. I'm sure you've heard that phrase.
Well, just say, it doesn't bring me any pleasure to spank you.
But here's what the Lord says, and this is for your good
And so based on the word of God, that's why I'm doing what I'm doing.
or
you know what? You failed
you know, maybe you failed morally
But there's forgiveness with Christ.
And you can have forgiveness in this situation.
So as much as you can, you bring them back to the scripture because that's the authority, not you.
You've got delegated authority from the Lord.
the ultimate responsibility.
is with the Lord.
So, Dads, you have an important role to play. Moms, obviously you do as well.
If your child comes to you and says, can I, whatever? You say, well, did you ask your father?
And similarly, if they come to you, dad say, well, did you ask your mom? You guys want to be on the same page? Kids are tricky.
They're sneaky little boogers.
So make sure that you guys are on the same page together.
And be role models for your children it's
They're such a blessing, but they're a responsibility.
And while again, if they wander, be careful not to overly blame yourself, but recognize that you do have a great responsibility there.
And the Lord's entrusted young souls to you.
And…
Nothing more exciting. I have no greater joy than to see my children walking in the truth.
And that's my prayer for all of you that your kids would outshine you
In terms of their spiritual maturity and their impact on the world.
And we can take pride in the proper sense of that word.
When we do things the right way.
Let's pray.
Lord, again, there's so much here that's challenging and convicting
And I speak to my own shame on some of these things.
But Lord, you're gracious and you're forgiving and you're loving, and I thank you so much for that.
But I pray for us, Lord, again, each couple here as we consider the different roles that we play and
This last bit, our role as parents
help us to take those responsibilities seriously.
prayerfully and respectfully.
Recognizing that we've been entrusted with
precious gifts and uh you you use us to shape and to mold and to
to disciple our children.
help us with those who have children that have not yet trusted you.
that we would lovingly point them to our savior
And for those who have, Lord, that we would encourage them
to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which they've been called.
And Lord, if there's any here that have children that are not walking with you now.
I just pray that you would give them hope, you would give them comfort.
You give them a holy hug this afternoon and help them to know that you love them and care for them and you have not given up on their kids.
help them not to give up either.
And again, I don't know if there are, but if there are any in that situation, Lord, I commit those children to you.
And pray that you would graciously and lovingly draw them back to yourself.
in jesus name amen