Share with us all a share with us
We'll wait. It's okay.
The cone of silence?
Okay, so I thought for our last sharing time together, I would ask you guys to
Share with us a favorite
Or yeah, a favorite anniversary moment.
There's been a lot of anniversaries in the room.
And some of you have an awful lot of years to choose from.
So it doesn't, you know, this will reveal a little bit about
your character.
It may be something really romantic.
Like the restaurant's not there anymore.
It may be something funny. It may be something embarrassing that you'll probably pay for later if you're not careful.
So tell us if you can remember. Now, again, sometimes if you've been, you know.
Up over 20 years, it's hard to remember like this was the 19th, but it was really cool
But get us close. We wouldn't know anyway.
so a
an anniversary that was particularly special, particularly memorable.
Something that you think would be fun to share with the group.
Oh, there you go. Put the popcorn in your mouth. That's a good strategy.
Okay.
Um…
I think our…
most recent anniversary of 15 years was probably the most memorable
Because we…
Had just gotten back from Burundi earlier this year.
And so we had an opportunity to
get away for a couple of nights and we went up to Door County.
Which is the thumb of Wisconsin.
Let's see, only appendage Wisconsin actually has so
Interesting fact, but…
Correct. But, you know, yeah, he's taking notes. So it was a good time.
We just got to reflect a bit on
Burundi and not have kids in our space or in our
physical space or headspace and just to think about that and
It's nice. It's good.
Long answer to a short question.
Top hat. I was in the appendix of the appendages.
The first one that comes to mind to me is our actual first anniversary because
We had an almost two month old and so we didn't go anywhere
But I made a very special dinner for us at home and set up the table in the dining room or in the living room.
And I just remember Josiah, our firstborn, he was laying on the couch next to us.
And we ate dinner. We had a nice steak dinner at home with candlelights. So that to me was special.
Cool. Thank you.
So we have a december
anniversary. So it's nice because we can find good deals on places. Oh, okay. So I'm always thinking about deals. I'm a cheapskate.
Sorry, sorry. Fiscally responsible. Good steward of the Lord's faith. That's right, yeah. So we got a great spot. Actually, the next lake over, I think.
Actually, I know that way. Wait. But French country in, it's beautiful. It's like right on the lake. You know, it's nice to just get away during the holidays and just us to go out together. And so…
Wonderful place. We've been there a couple times.
So when in december is it?
December 18th.
So it doesn't infringe on Christmas. Right, yeah, but it's close, yeah
Okay.
We did go to a Packer game last year for our anniversary. I liked that too.
How'd it work out?
Actually, we were thinking
discussing that but i can't there is nothing that comes to mind at the moment
So yeah, I just…
Yes, but we've been to different places for dinner
Usually it's a dinner on your anniversary, go out together. Yeah, it's August. It's August 22nd. Uh-huh.
So yeah, sorry, I can't think of anything yeah okay
Appreciate that.
If something comes to mind, just interrupt the talk later and
Well, one anniversary that we
like is the one, the first one as well.
like Mandelier we uh took uh
We didn't have kids so we didn't have kids
took a steam train
Huh.
We were in Colorado uh at that time
So we took a train, steam train from
somewhere to somewhere. But it was in the mountains.
It was in a mountain, so it you know it was beautiful scenery
We saw a lot of wild like bears and obviously
Antelopes, huh?
So, yeah.
So that was probably the one that I
Colorado is a beautiful country yeah yeah
Nice train ride. Do you still ski today?
It's in June, our anniversary is in June. So you said it was a ski train. I said, do you still see steam oh steam train. Yeah.
Okay. Do you still steam today. You could have recovered him. I don't know. Yeah.
She does.
No, no.
Our pickleball prowess obviously goes before us, but we're better at anniversaries than we are at pickleball, which I know is going to shock most of you.
Because we're pretty good at pickleball.
We've had some really good anniversaries um
Some of them that come to mind are fifth anniversary
was the first time in five years, well.
First time since we had kids that we were able to go away together alone. And we were in Alaska, so we went to a ski resort.
We didn't ski. We just went to the resort. But there was like hardly anybody there. And it was really fun just being alone with my wife for the first time in like four years. But that was pretty memorable.
We've had some other ones.
This year, it wasn't our wedding anniversary, but this year we celebrated
being together for 20 years. She turned 40. I'm about to turn 40.
So we've been together more than half of my life now, which is kind of…
It's pretty cool. So.
That was special as well. Nice.
Just…
A lot of good ones.
I guess.
I guess the first, maybe the first year
our first anniversary
We were out in California, so we our family
Her family got us tickets to the playoff games for the Dodgers and the Phillies.
We're in the playoffs at the time with Cole Hamill was with the Phillies.
And so we got to experience that. That was pretty exciting.
And I felt like I was kind of like
in Mexico or in some other
you know being quite an experience. And, uh.
I saw one
guy walking through there that had a shirt that said.
I only look illegal.
And I told Fazio, I said, I got to get a shirt like that for you. The guy and I looked at each other and we started laughing. I said, I love your shirt. And he just cracked up because everybody was speaking Spanish. But it was, I think that was one of our best anniversary because it's a big, you know, the stadium.
All the excitement in the playoffs. So cool.
Nice.
And after that, it's always like steak at…
boxing hones or…
Because she likes cows and she likes eating cows.
It's like her though.
Yeah, for us, it was our first. No, not.
For the first time, yes. Good.
Yeah, we went to Florida. My anniversary is in january so
It was a nice break, you know, nice.
Yeah, getting out of here in January is a good idea
And we had a few other friends come
At the same time, we spend some time in Disneyland and all that stuff. So it was nice. Nice.
Okay.
You're welcome.
Well, what's nice about the question is I have an old cell phone that has all the years of our marriage and it's still in the photo. So I just scrolled every one. Can we put them on the screen?
Oh, boy. So…
So I guess we had a nice trip out to La Crosse.
Did some hiking along the bluffs.
And then stayed in Viroquoad and BNB.
I had a really nice trip to Wolersheim.
Winery, which is pretty soak just outside of Madison. It's the largest volume winery in Wisconsin. We had a really nice time there.
And we brought home a nice prairie foube. It's a smoked white.
So yeah, it was like our fifth anniversary, but it was a nice
Exciting.
hike and something we've never done before. So it was good. That's nice to do. Yeah, something new. That's kind of cool.
This is hard for me because it's really to try to remember
anything from way back when. But the biggest thing I think of is that when we were in Colombia.
there were so many times when he was gone away
Because we would live in one city and there was another one um
a trip that he had to take through the mountains
to start a ministry there.
So he was gone a lot. We got to the place where we didn't celebrate very often
special occasions on that day, but we might have done it afterwards but
But the one I think of
Also a train trip.
was on our 25th, we did take a train all the way from Milwaukee
out to California. Oh, wow. And then back the southern way. We went out the northern way and then back the southern way. And that was probably the most special for us. Very good.
Would Neil and Joel like to share? Remember when we won, Joel? That was awesome.
So Alex and I had a few
anniversary. So our anniversary, my birthday and her birthday are all in january
So everything's over within one month.
So we kind of celebrate all of that in January and
One time we would go visit my sister in Florida
And she lived closer to Orlando
And we got to go away for a few days to Miami. I think it might have been our 10th anniversary, 10th anniversary.
We got to go to Miami and we stayed out there and we're on the beach and it was really beautiful and fun and
Let's see.
Probably my sister won't move to San Diego and we were in San Diego one Christmas.
And Alex and I drove to
LA, Santa Monica Pier. And we got to
spend some time there. And then we went over to a restaurant in Beverly hills
And that night, something weird was happening in the sky. There were these weird
like plumes of clouds in the sky at night
And people were really freaking out and
We were just eating outside and enjoying it and people were really worked up about it because it was strange. You could just see these clouds kind of showing up.
And it turned out it was a SpaceX flight that wasn't advertised. And people really thought, these are aliens out here. Los Angeles, man. Yeah. So it was a lot of fun. And, um.
We've had a few memorable
trips out to different places.
So.
All right.
I think one of the funnest anniversaries that we had, we went to Nugleris
new glares.
It's right by Madison. And they call it Little Switzerland. They have
a small
kind of display i guess
smaller houses
And things, we didn't really get to tour through that. I don't think, did we?
When we were there, like the little historical town. No, I don't think we did.
But so Nuclaris Brewery is there. And then there was also like a winery that had just opened up so we
Went there. But we stayed at this small little bed and breakfast
Got massages. They're the one of the owners of the bed and breakfast was a masseuse. Wow. So we got massages there and they
It was a goat farm. Yeah.
So they had a goat farm masseuse yeah
Pickleball extravaganza. And they owned a small restaurant in town. So we went there for breakfast.
Two times, I think, during, yeah.
Yeah, it's fun. Going out to eat those is one of the something that we like to do so. So just…
any other anniversary, we really enjoy going to like either a new restaurant or our old faithful
Oscars.
Oscar's Pub and Grill, not Oscar's clustered.
It's true.
Probably the one that was most memorable was a little bit delayed, but it was on our 25th.
We were gifted a trip and I had mentioned to you to France. And we had a
a couple from our chapel that
you got to know very well and they wanted us to visit them and so um
makeup that we were sent to France. So that was probably our most memorable
Celebration. Nice. Yeah.
Well, I had a funny story in France.
tend to know Spanish well enough to get by. And so I thought, well, Spanish and French are pretty close. And so we're at the restaurant. I said, oh, I'll order this thing.
The guy's like.
What? He goes, this is…
The lamb, lamb, lamb?
the lamb's brain. And I was like, oh, whoa
I saw, you know, like something that I thought was, okay, yeah, that's good. Lamb chops, but it was not chops, but lamb brain. So you got to be careful in those foreign countries.
I'll try to make this one.
Quick, when we were married in 2007, we had two wedding dates.
We had the day that we had
2012, sorry, not 2012. That was when our son was born. 2012. We had two wedding dates. We had the day we signed the papers to get
you know legally right and then
That was in May. And then in October, we had the wedding. That's what we usually count as our anniversary where we set our ideas and vows in front of our family and friends.
And that's the one we usually celebrate.
Our ninth year wedding anniversaries
We got to celebrate it twice.
I had secretly gotten tickets for a group that she had
really love scones. That's fun for some breed yeah
And unfortunately, that year
2020 shut everything. Yeah, May COVID shutdown, so they had to reschedule
And I couldn't redo the hotel.
There was no moving the date. So we went to the hotel. We just got to spend time there with just
us. And then we went and we did a
escape room miserably, but it was still a lot of fun. If you get out, you're still there. Man, you're mine.
And then…
when they did reschedule, it was
At our October anniversary. So we did get to go see them. Nice. So yeah, it was a year that we got to celebrate it. That's cool. Yeah. Two for one deal. Yeah.
What's the topic?
We missed David. Memorable anniversary.
Doesn't this have to be a favorite? Tough.
I guess you'd have to go with why we went to Hawaii. We went to Hawaii last year for our 15th so
That was definitely once in a lifetime experience for us so far. What island?
Well, we were supposed to go to Maui and a month before we left, they had a little problem there. China is where our place was, our resort. Our resort didn't burn down, but…
the restaurant that we were recommended to go to all burned to the ground. So we had to a month before our trip.
debate if we're going to go. So we switched to Kawhi, which was actually
If we go back, if we're lucky enough to go back, that's where we'll go. It was unbelievable. Yeah.
like sitting watching the sunset.
And turtle just comes out of the water like big
sea turtle right towards us and we're just sitting there
Amazing. Great 10 days, so.
If you want to add to that?
Special memories, yeah.
We were in Waikiki for like three days and then went to Kauai for seven. Nice.
Very good. Okay, I highly recommend going through.
Yeah, it's fantastic. Our honeymoon was pretty good too yeah
Where was that? We were in captiva.
I went in Florida and a relative of mine has a
penthouse candle right in the ocean so nice pretty awesome. Yeah. So it was pretty amazing. Yeah.
Yeah, very good.
You were the last one. Yes. Thank you.
And part of the reason I'm doing this is because I don't have enough to say, but also
I just want you guys to reflect.
You know, on some of the joyous and special times
that you've spent together. Because again, you get into the routine and kids come along and there's a lot of different priorities and
responsibilities and you kind of forget how special each other are
And so, you know.
take those opportunities in your couch time or
on your date nights to reminisce on some of those beautiful times. And actually even
When you're upset.
I was reading a book one time, I think it was Paul Tripp.
And he said he was mad at his wife.
And so he went out to mow the lawn to kind of, you know.
brood a little bit. And he's just sort of thinking as he's mowing the lawn. He said, you know.
Maybe I should start thinking some nice things about my wife. There's nothing nice about it right now, but
No, she's a pretty good cook.
And, you know, she's really kind.
to others.
She's a wonderful mother.
And he just kind of started rehearsing these things in his mind. And he said, you know, by the time he was done with the lawn, he went in and just had to give her this huge hug. He goes, you're wonderful.
What was I being a jerk about?
And kind of like some of you have said, it's like sometimes you
you forget what you were even arguing about.
And so when you get into those situations and they happen, you know, we're sinners.
Reflect on the positive things about your spouse and
And then tell them just what you appreciate about them.
It can be really, really special.
I guess in fairness, I'll tell you
a couple of
Anniversary stories. I think it was our second
We were on the seventh or ninth floor of a hotel in California.
Actually, right by the San Francisco airport and there was a
I think it was a
6.1 magnitude earthquake.
And so I don't know if you've ever been in an earthquake, but let alone a big earthquake, let alone on the
Ninth floor of a hotel and it was
It was a little crazy and uh
So that was very memorable.
We went to
Alaska on our 20th.
And we went with another couple and
The guy said, well.
I want to do this excursion. My wife doesn't want to do it with me. So you want to play pickleball? No, do you want to? He goes, I'll pay if you go. And this is like $500 deal.
So I was like, well, I'll take one for the team, you know, check with my wife to make sure it was okay. But we got in these helicopters.
And there was, I think there was about six or eight helicopters. And so we take off and it's kind of like
apocalypse Now, I don't know if you ever wanted to say I saw that movie before I was saved, maybe. And it was like, you're going through the these glaciers, you know, in this pattern, all these helicopters beside each other. And so that was amazing. And then we land.
on a glacier and we get out
And there's a bunch of sled dogs
And so now where I'm like the leader of these sled dogs around this glacier, I don't know, for maybe 20 minutes or half an hour back on the helicopter and we flew back.
to the place and then
Back to the ship. So that was pretty spectacular. 15th was in Hawaii. My aunt, I'm pretty spoiled. My aunt has a condo in Maui. And so we've gotten to go there a bunch of times for free.
But that's, yeah, beautiful, beautiful place.
And so I guess maybe another thing I should say or encourage or suggest, recommend is that you make your anniversary special.
And if it's staying at home and having your favorite meal, if it's finding a new restaurant or Oscars, again, whatever it is, try to make those special.
Because again, as you think back.
There's…
you know memories are really
really important. All right. So
As we wrap up our
stuff on marriage. Tomorrow I'll do something different for
And the preaching, but I want to talk about kind of some key aspects of marriage, things that I think everybody needs to think through and pray through and talk about. Communication.
Very, very, very, very important. We saw that on the
Pickleball court today. I won't mention any names. Front row but uh
you know you don't communicate. They're sometimes knocking heads. And so you want to want to get that right. Intimacy. And again, I know sometimes it's weird to talk about that stuff in a church setting, but I think it's important in marriage. And then finally, finances, which
Oftentimes, these are kind of three areas that cause most problems in relationships and so
I think it's good to kind of look at them from a fresh perspective.
So communication, we talk about the idea of listening well, and I was joking yesterday about watching two or three games and preparing my Bible study and checking my email and giving my wife my full attention.
You know, you can't do that. You need to listen and pay attention
When your spouse is talking with you.
focusing, you know, again, put down the book, look them in the eye.
Avoid jump to conclusions.
You know, I've been married for a long time and
And I do think a lot like my wife and vice versa. And oftentimes we know what the other person is saying. We had a church retreat and they were playing the newlywed game. I don't know if you guys remember that back in the day. And so they would ask people questions. We weren't on the front, but we were sitting. Our daughter was actually in the middle.
And so they would ask the question and we would tell her the answer to each other and then
You know, we got all of them right. And it was things like
You know, if your wife was going to make you throw away something in your
you know collection of that old t-shirt, what will you throw away
And I said, nothing. I don't have anything that she'd
And then she'd ask my wife, I wouldn't ask him to throw anything away.
Or things like um if
What's…
The one thing on the to-do list that you haven't gotten to.
And they're like, I don't have a to-do list.
And my wife said, we don't have a to-do list. And I mean, it was just like weird answers. And so anyway, we know each other really well.
But that could be a problem.
When you finish people's sentences for them.
And sometimes we
think we know what they're thinking.
And come to a conclusion that's wrong.
And not only is that embarrassing, but it's actually kind of frustrating. And in some ways, it's kind of rude.
And so as well as you guys know each other, and I think that's great to know each other.
let them
Say what they're going to say before you give them the answer.
And that's actually good advice in general. Oftentimes we're formulating our response and we're not listening to what the other person's saying.
And that has gotten me in trouble several times so i'll
maybe help you to avoid my mistakes.
Solve communication breakdowns. I mentioned to me yesterday about my friend who
gave his wife the silent treatment for days.
That's not the way you solve problems.
But these are issues that come up.
And we'll address them from the scriptures in a sec.
Cultivating interest in each other's interests.
This is an interesting one.
You know, when I was dating my wife, sorry, courting, the Christian way to say it um
I got interested in an awful lot of things that
weren't that interesting to me.
Actually, she became like almost an expert in soccer because she came and watched me play so much. She came home one day and told her mom, oh, Steve got a yellow card today.
And her mom says, oh, did he get to keep it?
I mean, they were not a sports family. They knew nothing. But after, you know, a long time of
going out there and watching me make a pool of myself.
My wife, you know, could talk soccer like nobody's business.
I learned…
a lot of stuff about flowers that i
don't really care to tell you about today. But when you're interested in somebody else, you become interested in the things that they're interested in and so
try to do that
to take an interest. I mean.
I didn't do this very well. I remember coming home from work, so I was still at Lockheed at the time.
And I walked in the front door of the house and
My wife said, so did you like the flowers?
What flowers?
You know, the six pots that I just planted on the front porch that you just walked by a minute ago?
Yeah, loved them.
Bad move, fellas.
If your wife does something special, notice it.
Girls, if
if the guy, I guess I'm being a little bit chauvinistic in this, if the guy's watching his favorite team.
like root for them.
Try to figure out who that. Am I done? Root against him. I don't know. Take an interest.
But it's, you know, it's it can be challenging because some of the things that
one of the two of you are interested in are kind of dumb to the other person.
It's like, I would never care about that in a million years.
But do you care about that person sitting next to you?
And if so.
Do some research, my friend. Figure it out.
whether it's, and again, whatever cooking or sports or ballet or music or whatever
Find out the things that they're interested in and be interested in them as well.
Okay, let's get to the scriptures. Ephesians chapter 4.
this is uh
called The Four Laws of Communication. And by the way, most of the stuff that I say, I call, I stole from somebody. That's kind of the way Christianity is. We beg, borrow, and steal. And it's like, oh, well.
put a little twist on it and call it our own and nobody will ever know.
But these things are important and their law is not because God says they're laws, but I think they're really significant
So Ephesians chapter 4
Starting in verse 25.
Therefore, laying aside falsehood.
Speak truth, each one of you with his neighbor, and I'll just call that your spouse.
for your members of one another.
Be angry and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger and do not give the devil an opportunity.
He who steals must steal no longer, but rather he must labor, performing with his hands what is good.
So that he will have something to share with the one who is in need
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth.
But only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment.
So you may give grace to those who hear.
Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
And let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you.
Along with all malice.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted.
forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also.
has forgiven you. And so kind of just four basic points and verses to support them and we'll see timing wise which ones we turn to.
But it says, stop lying and tell the truth. Now, most of us here are saying, well, I don't lie to my spouse. That's ridiculous. Why would even
worry about that.
Sometimes we lie to each other.
When you look at what the definition of a lie is.
It may not be an outright
untruth.
But maybe I don't tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
So help me God.
This can be challenging when
When your spouse is insecure in a particular area.
Let's say they, oh, I don't know, are a Bible teacher
And they say so
How was that message today, dear?
You're going to tell the truth?
Well, it kind of smelled like
dirty socks.
Or, oh, it was good.
Does this outfit make me look fat?
Steve, any outfit is going to make me look bad. So don't even ask that question.
Do you think that was right, what I told the kids today?
Do you really like my mom?
Some of the times it can be very challenging to be completely honest with one another.
But the bedrock
in all relationships to me is trust.
And I think we see that with the lord
you know we can trust him completely.
Can we trust each other completely?
Now, earlier in Ephesians, it says to speak the truth in love
And so that's actually an art.
We need to be able to speak the truth in a loving way.
there's a guy at one of our elders back in California
I like to say he could tell you that you were a dirty, rotten scoundrel.
And you would walk away saying, that guy is the nicest guy I've ever met. Thank you so much for sharing that with me.
Because the way he put it, he just had this gift.
of saying hard things
in a loving and a gracious way.
You know, I think it's john one
John.
Wow.
We beheld his glory, glory as the only begun from the father
full of grace and truth.
Is that John 1.14? Yeah.
Full.
of grace and truth.
Sometimes I'm pretty good at the truth part.
But not so much the grace part.
And I think the order there is on purpose by the Holy Spirit.
I know word order in Greek doesn't make a big deal but
Give me a break.
Focus on grace.
While you're speaking the truth.
And you can save the hard things, the challenging things.
Keep current in your communication.
It says, be angry in verse 26 and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.
And don't give the devil an opportunity
You know, conflict will happen. That is inevitable anytime there's more than one person in a room, sometimes even by yourself.
But when conflict does occur.
You want to deal with it as soon as possible.
Don't be my friend that does the three or four day silent treatment.
And I try to take this literally as much as I can.
And I've had some 3 a.m, 4 a.m. conversations with my wife. Mostly it was with my fiance.
We got better over the years.
But
Sometimes it's just not practical. I don't know about you, but when you get really tired, sometimes you're not
real logical. You're not real gracious you're not real
wise in the way you say things.
The idea is the principle
deal with it as soon as you can.
But if you're just at the end of your rope, and again, whoever it is, depending on
who gets more tired easily
Just say, you know.
This is certainly a conflict we want to deal with this.
I love you. I'm not holding anything against you.
But right now, I just don't have
the brain power to handle this.
So obviously I'm going to work in the morning, you're going to work tomorrow, you're whatever.
So let's…
do our couch time first thing when I get home, we'll deal with this.
And maybe that'll give me enough time to cool down or you enough time to cool down, whatever the
whoever's more
upset at that point.
But deal with it as soon as you can.
Because it says, don't give the devil an opportunity.
How does the devil get an opportunity?
You know those silly cartoons where you got the angel in one ear and the devil in the other ear?
I don't know if that's ever happened to you, but sometimes it seems like there's somebody really talking some lies into my ear right now about my wife.
And he will take…
opportunity. The devil is good at what he does.
And he will use those doubts, those moments of silence.
to get in there and cause
concerns and so deal with it
As soon as you can.
Attack the issue, not your spouse.
things come up and they are problems in your relationship, in your home, in your family.
In your ministry. And so you do need to deal with them.
And there are oftentimes
disagreements as to how to approach things.
That is an issue that needs to be dealt with.
That person beside you is not an issue to be dealt with.
They are the love of your life.
And so you want to remember
This is a problem, you're not a problem.
And when you stop and think about it.
You know, that's the person that you love more than any other person on this planet, hopefully.
And so why would you want to ridicule them, put them down.
beat them down by your brilliant arguing skills.
make them feel bad. Win the argument.
what are you winning? An argument?
Is that worth the pain that you caused by
those snide those cutting
those cynical remarks?
attack the issue ferociously
deal with your spouse graciously.
Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, the Lord says.
But only such a word as is good for edification. That means building up, by the way.
according to the need of the moment.
So that it will give grace.
to those who hear.
Honey, I think I need to tell you something.
I don't want you to get mad.
This is done out of a sincere and a loving concern.
But can we talk?
And if that's the words that you hear.
process that. I love you.
I'm concerned about you.
And I'd like to say something that
you may not want to hear, but I think it's for your best.
And then say, well, who's saying this?
the person that I made those beautiful vows with.
15, 17, 23, 95 years ago.
They're not saying this to hurt me.
They're saying this because they love me.
And if that's your attitude, you can deal with any
any conflict that arises.
Issues arise and we need to
deal with them, but please be careful.
And then it says to proact tonight. You know, that's not a word, but not to react.
Let all bitterness, verse 31, and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you.
Those are reactions.
you know you say something to hurt me, I'm going to be bitter.
you interrupt something that I'm doing you might
get my wrath or my anger.
you don't treat me the way that I want you to. I might be slandering you with my buddies at work.
or my girlfriend's
on the phone.
Those are reactions that we need to put away.
but rather be kind to one another, tenderhearted and forgiving each other. And this is such a beautiful phrase right here.
Just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.
So think of how you've treated the Lord over the years.
And think of how he's responded.
That's the way you want to respond.
to your spouse.
In the same way that God has forgiven you
you need to forgive. There's a book that I like to recommend. It's called The Peacemaker by Ken Sandy.
And it's biblical conflict resolution.
And I would highly recommend
that book to anybody.
We actually in California teach a class on it every two year cycle.
And we ask everybody in the church to go through it. It's just a wonderful biblical approach to conflict.
It happens. Anybody in the room never had a conflict with their spouse?
You know, I'd have to say, you know, lighter, lighter pants on fire it happens
But how do we resolve those things?
The way Christ deals with us is the way we want to
deal with each other.
Communication is very, very important.
I purposely didn't leave a whole lot of time for this.
It's a little uncomfortable to talk about, but it's an important part of marriage.
And one of the key passages on this area of intimacy is
1 Corinthians chapter 7.
And so all each of those
Almost all of the points are from that
that chapter. So why don't we read, I guess, we can read probably one through five is almost enough.
Now, concerning the things about which you wrote.
So Paul could say, you started it.
It's good for a man not to touch a woman. That's your
Team verse for all your teenage boys.
But because of immoralities, each one is to have his own wife.
And each woman has to have her own husband.
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife and likewise also the wife to her husband.
The wife does not have authority over her own body.
But the husband does. And likewise, also, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer and come together again
So that Satan will not tempt you
Because of your lack of self-control.
Okay, so some principles here.
Intimacy.
is a good thing. Sex and marriage is wonderful
1 Thessalonians 4 talks about possessing your vessel in an honorable way. And Hebrews 13 talked about the marriage bed being undefiled.
But there's a bunch of verses in Proverbs and Song of Solomon that actually, I don't know if you know, but Jewish kids weren't allowed to read that book, the Bible, because it was so
racy, but there's some beautiful pictures in there and principles for us
to appreciate the beauty of sex.
Back in, let's see, my grandmother's era, I think she was born in 1901. So whatever era that was called, I got a very strong sense of this from her.
that you just don't talk about this subject at all it's it's
dirty and it's
almost sinful. It was really interesting.
talking to my grandmother and then my parents about it.
just the attitudes in those days it was like
kind of a duty and responsibility thing that you kind of had to do as a as a
a married couple, but it was almost like gross
It's not. It's beautiful.
It's a wonderful thing.
I remember one time I was leading the college group and my
Son was there. I can't remember if my daughter was in college yet
But somebody asked a question about
sex and uh
And, you know, this is
the joy of being a preacher's kid.
I said, I'm all for it. I do it all the time.
That's when he got up and left the room.
But in the right context, it's beautiful. It's awesome.
And it's okay to say that, I guess. You probably want to pick your pick your spots. And that wasn't my best moment from my son's perspective. But it really is, it's a beautiful gift that God has given us. And it's meant to be enjoyed.
And it should be. And that's what I said there on the second point. Pleasure is not sinful, but assumed.
It is a joy. Proverbs talks about a song of Solomon and even in Ecclesiastes, there's a verse there about
Just the exhilaration and the pleasure that you can experience. And so it's not something to feel guilty about at all.
is to be others oriented though and we read that about the wife doesn't have authority over her own body, but the husband does and vice versa. The husband doesn't have authority over his own body and the wife does. And so the idea there is
Being others oriented.
And it's kind of like
I want to see who can see who
kind of who can out who can
please the other person.
And it's not like I walk in and say, okay, this is what I want out of this time together.
It's like, how can I be a joy
to my wife. And she's saying, how can it be a joy to my husband? So we're kind of like almost a competition on who can be the most sacrificial.
And if that's your attitude, you're both going to be thrilled.
Because you're both doing what's best for the other person.
It's to be regular and continuous.
You know, talks about their stop depriving one another. And boy, this is, it's almost unimaginable for me to think about this because my
relationship with my wife has been so beautiful. But to think about this idea of
of bargaining. That's like well you know
If you don't mow the lawn, it's going to be a cold evening, my friend.
Or, you know, you didn't treat me right. And so, you know, you're on the couch.
buddy. And I've heard people tell me that, yeah, he's not getting anything out of you know this
evening um and it's
It's heartbreaking.
Because it's just a very selfish and self-centered and
just mean perspective, very unbiblical and ungodly from my perspective.
And that's where those same verses there about, you know, it's not your own body, but your spouse's
It's intimacy to be equal and reciprocal.
And so while I think culturally, historically anyway, it's been kind of a guy should be the initiator, but I don't see that biblically that's necessarily true.
And so ladies feel free to
to jump your guy. I think that's
That's okay.
But also it's um
I like to say that what is
Equally appreciated and accepted by both parties is okay.
Now, there are limitations.
I've had people ask me, well, is it okay if we watch kind of like some soft porn to get ourselves in the mood?
And the answer is no, that's not okay.
And surprisingly, I have people talk about having other people in the room and just like this, this stuff that just you're like.
you're just getting
confused and corrupted by the world that we live in because
Honestly, anything goes in our world today.
You know, with the kind of the hookup culture. And again, I don't know how much you're involved with young people, but it's crazy.
Even talking to a guy
But he's now, so probably
15 years ago, he said, you know, I didn't take a survey, but I would say that
75% of the kids in my high school
were impure.
you know at least.
And so when that's the surroundings.
there's kind of a lack of respect
for what God has talked about in
in the bedroom and within the marriage.
And so it should be pleasurable and acceptable to both.
And so again, either side, if it's like, you know, I don't like that
then the other person shouldn't
do that because you're not your own, but you're your partner's
Your body belongs to your partner. And so that's why I say at the bottom there, communication is important. So we start with communication. We also end with it.
You need to talk these things through.
I remember a couple
I did their premarital counseling and
They came back to me a couple months after the wedding and said they're really struggling because
The guy had been watching porn a lot before they got married.
And so once they got married and they were together.
all this guilty feelings
When he was doing things that he shouldn't have before they were married were pouring into his mind. And so he felt
guilty when he was with his wife.
And he couldn't tell her about it because, again, he felt guilty and it was hard to deal with.
And then she felt like she was somehow unattractive or not good enough for him because it was something weird she could tell.
But they didn't talk about it for a couple months. And so finally they were at a really stressful point in their marriage and they said, we got to go get some help.
You want to talk to each other.
There should be nothing embarrassing
between each other, you know, when it talks about Adam and Eve, they were naked and unashamed.
And so we need to be unashamed about talking
about how we feel about these things with one another.
So those are some principles. If you have other questions, I'm happy to
pass you off to Jim, but…
No.
Okay, so we'll just wrap up with a few simple points about finance, because again, this is one that causes a lot of conflict in relationships.
I'm a finance major so um i i
my wife and I are both pretty fiscally responsible, cheapskates, maybe some would call us but um
it can cause a lot of problems. So again.
Talk about…
Sex, talk about money, be on the same page. So set a budget and keep it.
And I'm not telling you what you should spend or how you should spend it, but you together need to come to an agreement and say, okay, this is what our budget is.
A budget is, by definition, a plan.
It isn't the law. It isn't death if you don't cross this line or you die.
But have a budget and stick with it to the best you can.
a set particular spending limits.
You know, for us, again, we have different categories. Like I said, we're kind of both finance people. And so we had, I don't know, a spreadsheet with probably
40 categories on it.
But one was allowance.
And we would give ourselves a certain amount of money each month to just spend what we wanted. So if I wanted to buy baseball cards or big gulps or whatever, it was like none of your business. Not in a mean way, just you've got the freedom to do whatever you want with that.
And if I wanted to save it for a year and buy
I don't know, season tickets to the brewers.
I couldn't do that with the allowance I was getting, but maybe one game.
So the point is have
rules that you talk about together and then try to live by them.
Give to the Lord's work.
When I do premarital counseling, I try to talk about the 80-10-10 rule.
Where you give 80% of your budget is for living expenses, 10% for the Lord's work, and 10% for savings.
Because there's always things that you're not expecting the dryer to break or the
Tired to go flat or whatever. And if you don't have a cushion
Those things can be really frustrating and difficult to deal with.
You know, you can argue that if you say for any day is sure to come, and I know some of you probably read True Discipleship and there's no such thing as a savings account, but
I knew Bill and he was amazingly able to live it, but a lot of us can't.
Discuss credit. Some people, Ramsey, I don't know if he's from Tennessee, but he's…
close to this part of the world. He's like credit never
that may not be your perspective. I have another friend in Lubbock who's like.
I've got, he owns like seven businesses. So he's got, he said, at any given time, I've got a million dollars of credit card debt.
But he manages it and pays it off and it's fine. So talk about those things.
Save for major purchases.
So again, that's kind of saying don't go into debt.
And I agree with that for the most part, but trying to buy a house in California, you're probably going to go into some debt.
You want to talk about insurance.
Again, some people say
Trust the Lord, why should I have insurance? Some people say you got to have insurance for everything.
I don't know that there's real strong biblical
precedent on either side of that equation, but you want to be in agreement on it.
Wolves and trusts, I didn't think about at all when I was 30 or 40.
I'm now 60, and so sometimes those things
become significant.
Again, especially in California where we're not particularly fond of our governor, and I'd like to give him as little money as possible. And so if you have a living trust.
you're going to save a lot of money in taxes.
that won't go to Mr. Newsom.
So just some general principles on finances. I kind of short changed that a little bit because of our time. But again.
It was my career for a long time. And so if there's questions you have about that.
I'd be happy to discuss that as well.
So there you have it.
A keys to a perfect marriage.
Which, of course, I have failed time and time again. But honestly.
I don't think it's that
difficult. And I say that
I hope graciously and humbly
There's not a bunch of
doctrinally difficult things to understand about
loving each other about
putting the needs of your spouse above your own, about cherishing
about respect.
about honoring and honoring
Living by example.
And so from what I've seen this weekend, I think you guys are doing a good job. Again, I didn't get to talk to a bunch of you in detail, but
I get a good sense that you guys are doing a good job and that's awesome.
But like Paul says in 1 Thessalonians, excel still more.
Don't think that you've arrived. I was talking to somebody that was referencing Philippians 1 6
You know, God's doing a work
And he's not going to perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
If you think you've arrived, you're at the wrong location.
Continue to see, Lord, how can I be a better
husband, a better wife, a better role model for my children, a better example for a society that is
completely messed up and blinded by the craziness of this world.
Because as it says in Ephesians that
And talking about the husband-life relationship, I'm really talking about Christ and the church.
And so by our marriages, if they are exemplary.
It's a testimony to the Lord's grace and his goodness. And boy, what a
What a way to honor the Lord by just living
in a way that's pleasing to him.
and having an impact not only on your own little community.
or on the broader world that needs to see Jesus.
So thank you guys for your attention. Again, if you have questions, I'm happy to try to answer.
But I think, as I said at the beginning, you know this stuff.
Just sometimes it's good to be reminded. And if the Lord's putting something on your heart, then
Then do something about it. Don't let it slip away and say, oh, I'll catch that next year because
it might cause a lot of damage, unfortunately, in the meantime so
humbly and honestly communicate with each other.
And honor the Lord in your marriage.
Lord, we thank you that
We have a picture of what a good marriage should look like in the way that you treat the church.
We thank you, Lord, that you've given us someone to share our lives with.
Lord, what a special gift it is.
And I pray that you would remind each of us i know that I
Really appreciate being reminded of how special and wonderful it is to have a loving spouse.
And I pray that you would remind us
regularly, Lord, and help us
to share how much we appreciate
our husband or our wife.
Lord, he who finds a wife finds a good thing
We appreciate the
intimacy the
The camaraderie, the companionship that you provide. And I pray that we would
be husbands and wives that
there's no doubt in our minds how much our spouse cares because
of the way they treat us.
Lord, if there's anything again that
each of these individuals here needs to
do business with you about.
Bring that to their mind.
Lord, help them to just be honest with themselves and with each other and
by your grace to work through
any and every issue that arises.
remembering that their goal is to bring glory to you
And Lord, that you are actually using
each other
as part of the sanctification process to make us look more like
The Lord Jesus Christ. So thank you for that.
Thank you for the gift of marriage, Lord.
In Jesus name. Amen.
So we're going to have dinner here in just a few minutes. After dinner at 6.30, we're going to meet back in here.
it's not on the itinerary, but Alex and Neil have
So 630 back here.
We're going to do that. And then I think…
Award ceremony.
Award ceremony now.
cover.
annual football tournament.
queerby tradition continues.
We had a runner-up was Walt and Anna. They did.
And first place with meals.
Enjoy.
Okay.
For the runaround with the smaller jars.
Oh!
Okay.
Nice.
pictures indicate to put it right here.
It's typical.
same as next year.